What I Wish I’d Started Sooner: Learning to Be on My Own Side

Not long ago, I found myself sitting on the couch, a cup of tea cooling beside me, knitting the border of a shawl while the dog snored nearby. Nothing dramatic was happening—no breakthrough, no fanfare—but something clicked. I caught myself smiling and thought: This is what peace feels like. Why didn’t I start doing this sooner?

It wasn’t the knitting or the tea (though those help). It was the not-feeling-guilty part that struck me. I’d been following a script I hadn’t even realised I’d memorised: be useful, be strong, stay vigilant, keep proving yourself. That mindset—whether in uniform or out—doesn’t simply switch off.

But here’s the truth that’s taken me half a lifetime to believe: You’re allowed to be on your own side.

Why We Delay What Matters

If you’ve served in the military, you know how it goes. You’re trained to prioritise the mission, the unit, the chain of command. You get good at compartmentalising—your pain, your needs, your dreams. That kind of discipline is useful when you’re in the field. But out in the world? It can leave you completely disconnected from yourself.

Add PTSD or moral injury into the mix and suddenly even small decisions—like starting a hobby, resting when you’re tired, or admitting you’re struggling—feel monumental. The voice in your head says: Later. When you’re more sorted. When you’ve earned it.

I spent years waiting to feel “ready.” Turns out, starting is the only way to get there.

The Things I Wish I’d Started Sooner

Meditation & Mindfulness

I resisted this one hard. Sitting still with my thoughts? No, thank you. But after a coaching session with Veteran Mindfulness Australia, I gave the Calm app a go. It was awkward at first—my brain treated it like a briefing. But over time, I noticed something: I was less reactive. Less exhausted. Meditation didn’t fix me; it gave me breathing room to meet myself.

Knitting as Therapy

I’ve always enjoyed knitting, but I used to see it as “just a hobby”—the thing I squeezed in after everything else. These days, knitting is my mindfulness practice. It gives my hands something kind to do while my mind unwinds. And as someone with arthritis in her left thumb, it’s also a surprisingly gentle form of physio.

Writing for Myself

This blog? It’s been more than a website project. It’s a lifeline. Journaling, blogging, even scribbling in Notion—it all helps me piece together who I am beyond the roles I’ve played. I wish I’d given myself permission to write earlier, without feeling like I needed a finished story or a perfect message. Some days, it’s just enough to say, “Here’s where I’m at.”

Setting Boundaries Without Apology

For years, I said yes out of habit. I'd volunteer for every committee at TAFE, join another tech community working group, take on extra projects at work when I was already stretched thin, and stay silent during family gatherings when relatives asked intrusive questions about my service.

Learning to say "no" without a side order of guilt has been a slow, bumpy process. These days, I:

• Schedule "offline" hours where I don't check messages or emails
• Tell friends "I need to think about it" instead of automatically saying yes
• Leave events early when my energy is depleted
• Decline speaking engagements that don't align with my values

I now protect my energy like it's a non-renewable resource. Because it is.

Self-Compassion Isn’t Optional

I once dismissed self-compassion as indulgence dressed up in wellness language. My psychologist put it differently: “Being hard on yourself doesn’t make you better. It just makes you tired.” That hit me sideways.

It turns out, being kind to yourself isn’t indulgent—it’s essential. Especially for those of us trying to rebuild after trauma. If I’d learned that sooner, I might have avoided a few detours into burnout, shame, and self-blame.

Two philosophies helped reshape my thinking: Stoicism and Adlerian psychology. Stoicism taught me that while I can't control the world, I can choose how I respond. And from Adler's teachings in "The Courage to Be Disliked," I learned that the past doesn't determine my future—I have the power to rewrite my story. Sometimes, that means choosing rest over resistance.

The good news? these are skills you need to master before starting. They’re skills you develop by starting.

It’s Not Too Late to Start Now

Here’s the kicker: I didn’t need a new version of myself. I needed to stop abandoning the one who was already there, quietly waiting for a turn.

If you’re reading this and thinking of something you’ve put off for years—something that tugs at you in quiet moments—this is your sign. You don’t need permission. You just need a beginning.

So ask yourself: What do I wish I’d started sooner? And what’s stopping me now?

The answer might just change everything.

Resources for Your Journey

Books That Changed My Path

• The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga - An accessible introduction to Adlerian psychology
• A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy by William B. Irvine - Modern take on practical Stoicism
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk - Understanding trauma and healing

Mindfulness & Mental Health

• Beyond Blue's website and resources*
• Open Ground's mindfulness programs*
• Department of Veterans' Affairs mental health support*

Creative Communities

• Ravelry - For fellow knitters and fiber artists
• Australian Society of Authors - For writers finding their voice
• Women Who Code - For tech enthusiasts

*All links are current as of June 2025

*Some meditation apps I've found helpful: Calm, Headspace, Insight Timer, and Smiling Mind (which is free and Australian-made). Choose what works for you.